Revival of the Love Letter… a.k.a. Is Communication Dead?
This is such a common statement nowadays because we rarely communicate directly. Today is about emails, texts and DM’s. This may seem efficient but what about the art of communicating emotions and feelings. Well, I am in a season of letter writing … this is why.
Almost a decade ago, I was going through old files and folders and found a box of letters, cards and old notes. Inside the box was what would be termed “love letters” and as I began to dump them into the trash, I had an overwhelming sense of sadness. No, not because of a silly letter to me three decades ago in middle school, but for my daughter. It was the strangest emotional response because I realized she, as a child born in this digital age, would most likely never receive a handwritten, heartfelt letter from a suitor. This fact is pathetically real if you look at the way this generation communicates. Snapchat, Instagram, TikTok… they convey very little to each other in these quick ten second clips, which prompt a “like or heart”. What about conveying your feelings and emotions to another person… friend, family member or even enemy? Well, when this purging of junk happened, I did not see how I could make a difference or even change this evolving fact.
So, what now, right? Well, in the last couple of years I have taken to writing letters. No not lengthy (dissertation level length) text messages or emails. Sitting down and writing a person a letter. My neuropathy (in my hands) does make it hard (sometimes, not always) to hand write but I can type extremely fast. So, if I find myself bursting with thoughts and emotions, especially when someone is going through something hard, I sit down and type it out. Those thoughts could help them in some way, right? But this is the thing too, as a litigator, I am trained to listen but also formulate a response as I am listening. This is not always a good thing when communicating. Now I can talk all day and can even bring a monk during his vow of silence right out of his commitment to God, just to tell me to be quiet. It is my superpower … so when I say I don’t do silence, I mean it. But this is different. There are times in our lives we need to say something to someone and it needs to resonate. Don’t put it on their social media feed so everyone can see it. It needs to be for their eyes only.
I have several close friends going through very challenging times, right now. How do you communicate that life will be OK, focus on faith and family, remind yourself of all your blessings, etc. – if not shared in the most lovingly way. Through the love letter. That is what I am now doing… I am expressing my most heartfelt support and resilience advice through the modern love letter. It might also be worth noting that if you are ever in a very difficult, hostile or toxic relationship (friendship or romantic), this is also a good tool. Most people want to say things to the other person so that they convey how they feel but this can be lost in the overwhelming moment of frustration or pain. So, sitting down and analyzing exacting how you feel, why you feel that way and a possible solution. Although I am not a practicing therapist, litigation and the practice of law does require in depth analysis of problems to seek solutions. That translates well into communication issues, even those that involve emotions and disappointments. The other component is not just writing down the answers to those questions (above) but waiting too. No knee-jerk letters, OK! What this means is write it all down and then set it aside. Especially if it is a difficult letter. It is easy to pull the teenage angst and rage angle and be like “I hate you… wish you were dead” crap. But when it is a difficult letter, let it settle. Give your emotions a pause and see how you feel 24 hours later, or a week, or even in some circumstances, months. Giving yourself time to process how you are feeling is just as important as communicating them. Pen to paper (or more accurately, fingers to keyboard) is a tangible exercise and can make you temporarily feel better so once you come back to it, you realize it was way “over the top” or harsh. But if you come back and realize you feel the same, then either give it more time or mail it.
It can seem like at times, I want to revitalize the art of the love letter but I also joke that the U.S. Post Office should like to see more letters than all the immense junk mail that it delivers. But here is another motivator to send such letters – the receiver can read it over and over. Especially when someone’s despair is tantamount to a tsunami that has ruined (their belief, not yours) their life. Reading another’s perspective can help with the grief, frustration and pain they are feeling. But what if it is a difficult letter – more like a break-up letter. If you need to say certain things, do it. Don’t hide how you are feeling but express it. Just like the love letter, sit on it and maybe, just maybe over time you may feel differently. But if not, at least you were honest in your assessment of what matters to you and your priorities.
Recovering hopeless romantics will agree, in pain and even joy, receiving honest, raw and even vulnerable words are more cherished than the nicest delivery of flowers. Reading the senders naked honesty and truth can be more moving and inspirational that any email or social media post. It is tangible unlike the falsity of this digital age where truth and lies are blurred together like smoke into fog.
I can’t see any reason to not send a love letter to those you care about. At times, even I have been at a loss of words, straining to think of the right thing to say in response … but if you boil it down to what the person is going through – loss, grief, devastation; speaking from the heart is always the best words to convey.
xo, Laura Weis